Friday, June 12, 2009

This Too Shall Pass


It feels like the end of the world. The pain is excruciating. The sorrow of this one moment effaces from the memory, all that has constituted my life so far; all those happy days, happy moments, all the love and all the fortune of this life that I should be grateful for.
It’s like this every time.

It engulfs me so completely that I become blind to all else around me.

When I walk, it is as if in a trance. My walk has slowed down. This load in my heart is taking away the spring in my step.
I feel guilty of not living in the present moment and I try to shake away those thoughts. For a brief moment, I force my attention to the beautiful morning, the blossom laden boughs that sway in the gentle morning breeze, the tender rays of the morning sun, the tiny glistening leaves, the beautiful houses lining the street and their gardens and the blue sky above.
And the next moment, I am in a trance again.

When I eat, I am in a trance. What used to take me 20 minutes now takes 45 minutes. I put a morsel of food in my mouth and then brood. I look out of the window at the faraway trees and the faraway sky as if I am looking for an answer. The grief welling up in my throat does not allow any more food to enter. I force another morsel anyway.

When I read, I am in a trance. I open the pages, begin reading and my thoughts drift … I jolt myself out of my reverie. I bring my attention to what PG Wodehouse or MK Gandhi is saying. I am eager to finish one page just so that I can take a break and brood some. I read for 5 minutes and pause for 10 minutes.

I listen to music more than before. Every other song brings a tear in my eyes. I might as well have composed and sung some of those songs.

Sleep isn’t the same any more. It’s an experience of sinking into a bottomless well and resting there through the night…. dreaming of the impossible….thinking of that which I will never possess... imagining all kinds of miracles that will turn the impossible to the possible and trying to believe in those miracles.
And in the morning, waking up isn’t easy.
Swimming up from the bottom of a deep well to its surface takes humungous effort!

A wretched moment’s accident –perhaps it was a part of the grand design – has turned into a futile occupation of the mind.

When a cinder enters your eye, it hurts every second and every minute that it’s inside the eye. You could try ignoring it and doing other things… talking, working, eating, singing, playing… but the cinder will not let you rest for a minute. Your fingers will rub your eye without a minute’s rest.

But this is not the first time. It is a familiar pain. It is a familiar ache. It was as cruel, as unforgiving last time as it is now. I thought it would kill me. But it didn’t. Time healed.
What had once seemed unbearable, now lies quietly and innocently in the recesses of the past, having gathered the dust of time.

This too shall pass.
I only hope it shall pass soon.

8 comments:

Satish said...

what a diffeent post!!!! from the blooming springs to dull autumns....After each autumn there is a spring.... the leaves shall bloom again and birds will sing again....

Yes, this to shall pass!!! Keep your eyes open for the spring, lest you miss it

Sowmya said...

Hey Satish,

Welcome back...

Where were you?

It is not so with the seasons but in real life, spring and autumn coexist as different parts of one's life...

Part of life is spring, part of it, autumn... isn't it?

deepocean2k said...

Hey Sowmya,

It will pass only if you allow it to pass. Looking forward to some positive, cheerful, encouraging and thought provoking posts from you.

Cheers
Pushpa.

Satish said...

It is Autumn, which maked the Spring look beautiful........

Yes, Life is part Spring, part Autumn.But we can make it more of Spring and less of Autumn......

Hope you get over this phase pretty soon {Very easy to give gyan :-) :-), but difficult to endure }

Sowmya said...

Hey Pushpa,

Chill... :)
Yes. Keep visiting me... You will see all kinds of posts...

Ketan said...

This is an amazing piece!

What I love about it (and you, by extension :) ) is that you've not just experienced emotions, you've learnt to observe them. Most people can observe 'others', but you've the ability to observe yourself. And that itself is part-remedy to pain. :) But only if 'observation' is concurrent with 'experiencing' and not retrospective. I hope you got what I mean. ;)

Life's much more easier when we're able to leave the bubble called 'ego' (as in the conception of 'self' that we call 'I', and not 'arrogance'), and observe ourselves as character from some novel or movie. And not to mention, life also becomes much more interesting... not so much maybe for the blogger, but definitely her readers. :P

Congratulations for writing such a great piece!

TC.

Sowmya said...

Thank you Ketan for the nice words...

Yes. Observation is concurrent with experiencing and not retrospective...
It is the result of self discovery, which was triggered 12 years ago and has been going on since then only to get better every day. Today, when I say I am meticulously self aware, I am not exaggerating too much :)

But isn't it true that knowledge can be an impediment? When you KNOW yourself to be a certain way, you may continue being that way just because you have too much faith in your knowledge! just a thought... the challenge is to be meticulously self aware and yet make room for change and growth.

As for observing ourselves as characters from a novel or fiction, it is easier said than done :)

Ketan said...

Sowmya,

You don't need to even need to mention your self-awareness. This self-awareness you speak of is one of the highest forms of intellectual state that could be attained. And, I really respect those trying for/reaching that state. Because, that's what is tantamount to making the most efficient use of being a human and not one of the 'lesser' evolved animals.

Knowledge as an impediment? That depends upon what your priority in life is. And knowledge can be an impediment to what as an end? For me, honestly, gaining knowledge is the foremost goal of my life. Of course, here I use 'knowledge' very loosely. Knowledge, for me, is the power to be able to explain. Explain anything. Right from the conditions of origin of the Universe to an involuntary half smile playing at the corner of my lips. If knowing is what makes me happy and fulfilled (which it does), then all other pursuals in my life become subservient to my trying to gain knowledge. So, specifically for me, knowledge can never be a an impediment.

Also, think of some painful knowledge as an object wrapped in a napkin. It's right in your hands, you can feel its sharp projections, its weight, and only thing left is for you to open it. Can you remain at peace with yourself, not opening it? In other words, can we by choice not know certain things? Especially if we know the knowledge is 'within' us? Thus, actually gaining that self-knowledge is imminent if we're to stay honest with ourselves.

Actually, when we learn to observe ourselves, I feel, our responses to all the situations become more deliberated upon, and less primal, so this way, each time just before you're about to act, you get an additional opportunity to review if you're intended action is in line with your aspirations for yourself or not. And of course, then you're much likelier to correct yourself as compared to responding instinctively without a good self-awareness.

And as for observing ourselves as character from novel or fiction being easier said than done... you've precisely done that in this post, hence the lavish praise! The only thing needed is stop feeling sorry for oneself, and yes, that's difficult. :)

TC.