Thursday, June 04, 2009

Sleep Without Struggle


In the night of weariness
Let me give myself up to sleep without struggle,
Resting my trust upon thee.
Let me not force my flagging spirit into a poor preparation for thy worship.
It is thou who drawest the veil of night upon the tired eyes of the day
To renew its sight in a fresher gladness of awakening.

~Tagore


That is what seems to have become the most valued, most wanted and the most important commodity in my life now. Sleep. Deep sleep.

In all these years, reasons or excuses have been changing; what has been constant is the lack of sleep – with the exception of a few days every now and then – thanks to life’s little mercies.

During teenage, it was my imaginative capability. I have always had an incredible capacity for imagining improbable misfortunes. I would brood about all kinds of things till the early hours and finally fall asleep – to be awakened the next morning with abuses by nagging parents.

Those were the days of growing up – adolescence, identity crisis, not knowing where one belonged, strict upbringing, generation gap and rebellion. Sleep had to be difficult. I wonder how it is with other children.

When the heart bled for the first time, at sweet sixteen, …don’t ask…don’t even ask… sleep was impossible. My tenacity, my refusal to let go made insomnia such a perpetual thing, that after some time, I did not even remember that I had insomnia! It had become second nature.

And then, during later years, it was that baggage from the past – it is very important to throw away that old baggage you are carrying from the past. To let go, to forget and forgive – for your own sake.
I need to practice these, now that I know how leaden the weight can make you feel and how light you become once you throw it away.
When did I read this quotation – “to be angry with people is to burn your house to get rid of a rat”… very true!

In fact I am much better than I used to be a few years ago. Time has healed…

But in the last few weeks, my back muscles hurt during early morning. I am sleepy but I need to keep tossing and turning hoping that the pain will subside.

As I said, the Goddess of sleep has been giving me different reasons or excuses …

Ironically, I am known as a ‘Kumbhakarana” in the family!

I was in Ladhak recently. The climate was marked with hot afternoons and cold evenings with chill winds blowing throughout the day.
I was envious of those construction workers who slept peacefully at the edge of dusty winding roads, during blistering afternoons, even as they were constructing these roads.

Blessed are those who can sleep like a baby…

The push-cart vendor who sells watermelon, fruit plates and tender coconut outside my office does the same – sleep in the afternoons on naked earth with a piece of rag for pillow.

True, God does not give everything to everyone, nor does he take away everything from someone.

Har kisi ko mukammil jahan nahain milta…
Kisiko zamin nahi milti, kisiko aasmaan nahin milta…



7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello there! It has been a long, long while since I posted a comment on your blog. If you remember me, I am the Anonymous fan from many posts ago, who also got in touch with you later.. but that never took off!

Now here I am again.. commenting after a long time, because finally you're writing posts that unravels some mysteries about you. Just wanted to say - this is exciting for a reader like me! So keep it up.. open up.. more.. more.. more..

PS: I am not the Anonymous in some of your other posts - I am the one who mailed you looong ago.

Sowmya said...

you are the "Ghost Rider"... arent you?

I dont understand why you are sooo keen to unravel this mystery...

Anyway...welcome back...

Anonymous said...

Yes you got it right! Do you want to catch up sometime? Or continue on email?

Sowmya said...

I will catch up with you if you reveal your identity... you could write to me and let me know who you are

Ketan said...

I used to have sleeping problem right till my final year, but when once internship started, it used to get so tiring that falling asleep was never a problem! And even now, I don't have problems falling asleep.

Also with age I've become more reassured about life, allowing fewer factors to have a stake in my life, for I now know, hardly anything in life has effect as profound as we tend to think.

As a matter of trivia, in torture experiments conducted it was found that those not allowed to sleep at all died before those deprived of water and food (in that order).

TC.

Sowmya said...

Did anyone volunteer to be guinea pig for these experiments or were these conducted on prison inmates?

Ketan said...

Actually Sowmya, I seem to have read it in some newspaper, and mostly in context of the World War 2, yes on prisoners. But when I actually searched over the net, I could find no such info :(

And I reckon, my memory is more reliable than an average newspaper. ;)

Though, this article (click) from Wikipedia is quite informative.

Most of the information about sleep deprivation comes from experiments (torture) on both men and rats.

TC.